Dear, dear readers,

I’ve had terrible experiences with meeting heroes before. It can be kind of earth shattering. Sarah Vowell has said that she doesn’t understand why people would want to meet their musical heroes; the kind of music she listens to is not made by people you’d want to have a beer with. When I met Jonathan Franzen at the New Yorker Festival last fall, I was slightly put off, even after I coaxed him into talking about his relationship with his typewriter. When I met Kurt Vonnegut after a lecture, standing outside puffing on a cigarette in all his wonderful decrepitude, I was too shy and uncertain to say a single word. I just shook his hand and let my friend do the talking.

Despite these bad experiences and those of others, I still have the urge to go talk to the people I admire when I see them. Tonight, I am glad I did. The title of this post is a reference to one Glass family whom I love, and tonight I interacted with another Glass family.

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American politics is a dog and pony show of the lowest order. Despite the worldwide coverage our presidential elections generate, the attention is hardly deserved. It’s not rocket science; it’s not even political science.

The high-minded among us would like the democratic process to be a contest of ideologies fought in the halls of power. Instead, a presidential campaign is a bare-knuncle brawl between two beauty queens with enornous sums of cash and a legion of expensive stylists. Are you smarter than a 5th Grader? If so, try to tone it down. All that fancy policy talk won’t fly at the Iowa State Fair or Koop’s Frozen Custard.

How do I know? I worked on the frontlines of the 2004 presidential race in Seattle, Washington. Seattle is the most educated city in the United States, where more than 25 percent of residents have at least a bachelors degree. It’s also one of the bluest enclaves on the West Coast. In spite of these fact I heard an unimaginable litany of irrational, inarticulate reasons why people were voting for George W. Bush and why they couldn’t stand John Kerry. Ideas had nothing to do with it.

Pop quiz: how did the Kennedy clan first make its money? If you answered bootlegging and other questionable activities, you are a winner. While we love the notion of Camelot or the image of John F. Kennedy Jr. saluting his father’s casket, the reality of our politician’s private lives is something different entirely. We should be distrustful of any person who claims to want to lead us, but instead we follow politicians like sunflowers in the early morning light.

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So I thought to counter-balance that negative Nancy hit list post, I’d share a heartwarming story about a ditzy blonde and a former Soviet Union nation.

And here I was, thinking the U.S. had good taste when I found out ye good ole Americans snubbed our favorite down home Goldie Locks. I am shocked and appalled that Jessica Simpson’s new movie, “Blonde Amtition” went straight to DVD, except for making like five bucks at the handful of Texan theaters it was shown at. However, my first reaction to this devastating news was HOLD OUT FOR THE UKRAINIANS, JESSICA! Not all hope is lost!

And boy was I right! This shit opened #1 and made $253,008 at the box office its opening weekend. The Box Office Mojo tried to explain this miraculous windfall, saying, “The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies. When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson’s, that’s all that’s needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans. So, films like “Blonde Ambition” will gross more than “No Country for Old Men.”‘

Hot damn. The Ukrainian department of Tourism but be shitting itself right now. “Escape to the Ukraine! The land that nobody wants to live in!” Seriously, that really insults the Ukrainian I.Q..  At least compare “Blonde Ambition” to a movie that wasn’t Oscar-nominated to make it a fair comparison. Also, they should not advertise that they’ll buy anything or you know Paris Hilton is going to build herself a Polly Pocket palace up in there and sell some more perfume and a translated autobiography and they’ll regret every having announced their love of awful C-list movies.  Also, I’m no geography expert, but isn’t the Ukraine pretty damn close to Russia, aka the land that invented Vodka?!  Cross the border for some escapism, guys!  It’s what underage American kids do!

Is it too late for Zero 7 to run for President?