Freshman Wisdom

Name My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Claim to fame: Part of the Columbia ‘11 network on Facebook.

Preferred swim test stroke? The survival stroke. Kind of like the front stroke, except instead of stretching your arms out to the front, you do it to not die.

What are three things you learned at Columbia? JJ’s Place is open on Sunday. Hungarian rocks. Tautological equivalence.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less: Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

What was your favorite controversy at Columbia? When bwog chose this guy from GS for senior wisdom.

What Columbia memory best exemplifies your college experience? Me, to my roommate: You can’t recycle cheese. Or used tissues.

What prof do you think would be the best kisser? Are you talking to me? Wait — how would I — that’s completely inapprop — AHHHHHH

What percentage of freshman do you think are virgins? Whoever stocks Java City seems to think that we’re all having sex all the time and need quick and easy access to condoms — and are so desperate as to forget that you can get them at health services for free …

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? One word: Zabars.

Days on Campus memory? Last year, I came to campus and visited a French class.

Regrets? Youth, n : The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.