Pop Smut Thursday Edition: People I Want to Kill

Tyra Banks–

First of all, I think the most obvious question is if they are all throwing out their bras, why aren’t they doing this topless? The second question is, Tyra—learn more about feminism before you open your cave-like trap! Wait, that’s not a question. That’s because Tyra is an idiot and is just perpetuating the inaccurate myth that a group of women protesting the 1968 Miss America competition burned their bras when in reality, they symbolically threw a bunch bras and other constricting underwear in trashcans. So way to go, Tyra! This just makes me violently dislike you even more than I did before! See, I originally hated you because of your terrible Oprah-wannabe, fake-hair-slinging attempts at interviews. A sample Tyra interview would go like this:

Tyra: So, you lost both your parents in a brutal murder scandal when you were just eleven years old, right? Didn’t that make you feel awful and lost and vulnerable? (bats fake eyelashes at camera)

Orphan girl: (tears welling) Yes, I did. And yes, I felt aw—

Tyra: –I am right there with you, girl. This reminds me of when I was 16 and I was just starting out my hugely successful modeling career. My agency sent me to Paris for six months and I had to live on my own and didn’t have my mommy with me and it was really hard. But you know what, I perservered and here I am today, a giant supermodel and I LOVE MY BODY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (does an uncoordinated booty shaking dance)

And that, my dear friends, is why I hated Tyra yesterday. But today I have a whole new slew of awesome reasons to hate her. But I also love her because she gave me something to write about…

On a final note, on last night’s premiere of America’s Next Top J.C. Penny Model, Tyra crowned herself Homecoming Queen and cried fake mascara tears while maniacally waving and doing this high-pitched screaming thing only other dogs could hear.  Recreating an empty childhood much, Tyra? God she really scares me.