Pop Smut: MMMMMM…We Need More Gary Coleman Posts

Ok, so I’ve been procrastinating tonight by pondering what is the appropriate, politically correct response to seeing the picture of Gary Coleman and his new 22-year-old wife, Shannon Price. I’ve got to ask the question we’re all thinking but are afraid to say—WHAT THE FUCK?! Why does she want to hit that every night? Even Gary doesn’t get it. In their Inside Edition interview, Shannon says she doesn’t want to be known as Gary Coleman’s wife. And instead of being offended by this, Coleman says, “I wouldn’t want that in a million years. I wouldn’t want you to be known as Gary Coleman’s wife!” Ahh, true love…Now I understand why they have kept their marriage a secret since August. That and the longer you wait, the more money OK Magazine gives you for your wedding pictures.

Actually, come to think of it, I don’t know what he sees in her either. Oh wait! Yes I do—she is his first relationship! That poor, horny, 40-year-old virgin. And just like Steve Carell, Gary’s love muffin is an expert internet bargain shopper. About his Molly Ringwald knockoff, Gary says, “She’s a great e-Bayer. She’s a fabulous e-Bayer! I hope she gets famous for that.” If I had an online dating profile, that’s the only description I would have of myself in it.

But seriously, the man wasn’t kidding; she is freaking talented. This ain’t no run of the mill gold-digger. This bitch made $400,000 on an autographed pair of Coleman’s navy blue, size 12XL-Regular Gap Kids sweatpants on her favorite website.

I shall end with one last thought to leave you writhing in suspense. Gary Coleman Sex Tape E-Bay Auction. Keep an eye out for it. It’s going to be a nasty one, too—Gary’s got a temper. Mrs. Coleman described a fight in which he actually managed to lift a fax machine and heave it at her, saying, “He lets his anger conquer him sometimes…He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction.” They are totally the new Fuffy-fuffy and Brigitte Neilson. Stranger and stranger love…Should we put them in the future rehab or psych ward file? Sorry, that joke is never going to get old.